I hesitate
to date
to fully open
the curtains
when I first saw a one
tethered to me
exchange eyes with
another who was
I pushed away
the pit in me
and so did they
and then when they called me
on my birthday
to tell me they were
now one
and that I didn’t want
them
to be happy
I crumpled
but thought
maybe it was
one
a one-off
but when she did it again
I could not deny
the pit in me
to the point that I
would tell any new heart
she’d hunt them down
if we entered her territory
and she would
after finding new curtains
new views
and opening the windows
just a crack
I fell into a river
and a new one,
she let me borrow
her polka dot underwear
and my new her asked me
“whose are those?”
and I knew
and when she smirked
after the clock did its thing
I knew
and when I found the rack
mangled and torn
I knew
but deny and deny
and
(you're paranoid because of the past
you have a complex
you caused the distance
even
because of your delusions)
but years later
they tell you
you were right
and they blame their lack
and you try to forgive
and climb inside
the unfamiliar pupils
of familiarity
so you don’t lack too
and it’s your fault
for being gullible
and for making poor decisions
then it’s your fault
for not opening the window
all the way.
And I tried
so many guys
and I saw
so many lies
so many
who took my
diamond inside
and sanded it down
my honestly
warped
into their fears
of manipulation
it shines strongly
albeit dully.
Living in constant fear
of being forced
to realize again
that someone’s dedication to me
is as fleeting and pointless
as life itself.
Why would I
willingly
let in
winds that destruct
the trees of intuition
within?